Month: October 2015

When the City is Destroyed, Who is Supposed to Fix it?

Sometimes we argue with the people we love.

Sometimes the arguing happens so frequently that you’re wondering if it’s even worth trying to resolve issues with this person.

Sometimes disagreement becomes the only reality you have with an individual or loved ones. The problems just keep growing, tumbleweeding into new arguments, unresolved issues, and past faults.

Sometimes we want to blame someone or something for our unresolved issues because that is easier than looking within.

So we do.

We blame the person, the past, or the circumstances. We cling to the negative, because we are lead to believe that the hurtful parts of our lives are somehow a greater reality than the good things we are so lucky to have.

We point fingers, we scream, and we cry. Then when we get nowhere, we tell secrets or incomplete truths. We hold grudges that can last for years.

These massive problems in our lives our not just Sad Dragons on their own. They’re something bigger, something far more powerful. They’re more like a family of Sad Dragons that caught something cancerous. And because we kept feeding those Cancerous Dragons more fuel with arguments, anger, self-destruction, hatred, violence and ugliness they grew into something more powerful than us. They become these horrible mutant creatures living in a pestilent cave, only coming out occasionally to burn down villages. It’s not because they’re inherently evil. It’s because destruction is the only thing they know how to do. Anger and hatred breeds more anger and hatred.

We can’t tackle them on our own when they get this big. It takes a community, family, or group of friends to come together and acknowledge that the Dragons exist in the first place. It can be in a deliberate meeting, or it can be characterized by silent acceptance, but it HAS to happen or nothing will change.

This is not easy to do.

It’s extremely difficult.

We can’t expect everyone to acknowledge that these problems even exist in the first place.

We can’t expect everyone to take care of their Sad Dragons before they turn into violent beasts.

We can only hope for it.

But in the meantime, I encourage you to acknowledge what is in your control. Take a good, hard, look and see what exactly your Dragon is doing.

Have you neglected it? Fed it? Encouraged it? Loved it from a safe distance?

How are you taking responsibility for yourself, so that you can be a wellspring of love, rather than a pool of negativity?

Are you spending time looking within, or are you expecting someone else to do all the work?

No one can do it all alone. It takes a whole village to undo damage done to an entire city.

But it starts with you.

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Take Responsibility and Say “No.”

What is it about certain personality types (myself included) that feel this desperation to say “Yes” to everyone that needs them, to always try to coddle other peoples’ unhappiness, and sacrifice their own health for the sake of someone else’s Sad Dragon?

Why is it so difficult for the People-Pleasing types to actually ADMIT that they have needs and desires in their hearts? Why does the thought of saying “No, I’d rather not deal with your problem. I need to take this day to _________.” Fill in the blank. Rather, why is it so easy to listen to a voice that says “Yes, it’s more important for you to take care of someone else’s problem than to deal with your own,” when said person is perfectly capable of taking responsibility?

It’s not my responsibility to take care of other peoples’ happiness. It is NO ONE’s responsibility to do that. PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN SAD DRAGONS.

And, for some, a massive part of that personal responsibility is knowing when to say “No” or “Enough is Enough.”

Let’s put it this way…

Imagine a scenario in which Person A is totally giving in to their Sad Dragon. Lets say Person A’s Dragon makes them feel fat, lonely, cranky, and tired. It’s not trying to get them to do anything desperate, just making them generally feel like poop. Person A then calls on Person B for a vent session, or a self-sabotage session in which Person A encourages Person B to drink, eat ice cream, stay up late, make less than ideal choices. Person B has been battling their own Sad Dragon because they just went through a break-up and they’re swamped with work. Person B has been feeling better, but is still on the fragile side. Person B would rather stay home and take a nap, but Person A guilt trips them into coming because Person B bailed last time. Person B really wants to say “No,” but chooses to listen to the guilt. Two hours later, A and B are now sitting on the couch with wine, scrolling through the Facebook pages of their ex-lovers and talking crap about everyone online. They get drunk. They fall asleep on the couch. Person A feels better and wants to have brunch. Person B is exhausted and has work to do, but feels guilty for staying up late and drinking. Person A and B go to brunch in their sweatpants, and spend too much money on crummy omelets  and toast.

Now there are TWO people with ravenous Sad Dragons, because they let them feed each other. They listened to the Dragon’s voice— anger, frustration, guilt, victimization, sadness, worthlessness— and the cycle just continues. 

Now, who is to blame in this scenario? The immediate reaction is to say it’s Person A’s fault, but Person B is the one who gave in. Both of them chose to give in to the Sad Dragon’s voices, and so they’re both at fault, and now it’s going to be more difficult for both of them to deal with their current problem.

To be fair, I frequently think that doing something stupid (like drinking wine and trolling Instagram pictures, or whatever it may be) will make me feel better, or make it easier to bounce back into a happier, productive state the next day. But it ALWAYS just makes it harder. Once the Dragon is just sitting it’s giant butt on my heart and eating an extra large bag of kettle chips, it takes extra effort to push it off and tell it to use it’s fire-breathing for some productivity fuel instead. That being said, it really doesn’t help when someone else’s Dragon is high-fiving my own. It’s hard enough as it is.

We’re here for each other.

Take responsibility.

Learn when to say “No.”

And know the difference between the Sad Dragon’s voice and your own.