So I got engaged. Its awesome. I’m really excited to marry the man of my dreams. But that’s for a different blog. This one is for my sad-dragon-anxiety feels.

It’s only been three weeks and I was already told once that I was being a Bridezilla, though it was in jest. However, even though it was a joke, I fervently denied that I was AT ALL a difficult person, and I will ABSOLUTELY NOT be a difficult bride. I hate making demands on people. Hell, I hate asking for things. I apologize at service counters when asking for service. (God Almighty, how do I live?)

But due to the nature of what it means to be a bride in this day and age, suddenly I am required to ask multiple things, of multiple people, all of which are asking things of ME and then quickly stating “But its YOUR wedding, so do whatever YOU really want.”

This is a People Pleaser’s nightmare.

So in my very quick spiral of trying to find venue/dress/invitations/officiate/bridesmaidcolor/gifts/favors, all the while trying to people please without people pleasing, guess who turned into the biggest wreck EVER these past few weeks?!

Oh and I also have three jobs.

24 hours ago I was ready to light my car on fire so I would never have to go to work again. It was decided! I would pursue the career of laying on the floor in my wedding dress with a bottle of pinot noir until April.

Alas, I couldn’t find any lighter fluid, so that tanked. Plus, you know, this is real, so there is NO TIME FOR DRAMA M’LADY!

And speaking of reality, I’m going to be real with you for a second. I genuinely DONT CARE about a fancy shmancy wedding. I DONT CARE about all of the fluff and decorations. I have a few small desires, involving my friends and family, and some specifics with music and my favorite flower because that’s a big part of who I am. But as long as my fiance is pleased with the event, i’m not going to ask for anything more!

I have never been one to care about fluff, frills, and pristine parties so what changed? Why do I suddenly care so much? Why do I feel the incessant need to be on pinterest for five hours at a time?

Well, there are multiple people that I want to make happy– My future husband, my parents, his parents, the bridal parties, those that have to travel, those with religious expectations… EVERYONE. Because making the people I love happy, makes me happy.  I want them to feel like attending this event was lovely and worth their time. I want them to be happy!

However, making everyone happy is 100% impossible.

So…. Im in a cycle here…

What Makes you happy? Bringing pleasure to others

Well what brings pleasure to others? All the things

So how can you make them happy? By trying to give them all the things.

Can you give them all the things? No.

Then what will make you happy?  I DONT KNOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

(Cue opening a bottle of wine)

 

But, in addition to that, knowing that you’re about to get married sort of puts you in this outrageously vulnerable place. Suddenly you REALLY have to worry about things you never had to before. Suddenly you are a part of something so much bigger than yourself, and it’s wonderful as well as scary, and you just want to cry all the time because feelings, and you’re just so happy and also so overwhelmed and meanwhile you’re too broke to go to yoga class so you can calm the eff down, but you’re making yourself sick and you can’t go to work because of you slept through your alarm and you have crippling anxiety and then you kind of just cry forever and try to communicate how you feel, but it seems impossible because there are too many factors at play.

 

Did I mention I was feeling kinda stressed?

 

I guess what I’m realizing is that we are really unfair to Bridezillas. There’s a reason we turn into these Crying Chaos monsters, you guys. The pressure we get from tons of outside sources is immense. Plus, the pressure we put on ourselves (culturally and individually) is ridiculous, and if you are a person (like me) who naturally puts immense pressure on herself in every category possible, then you’re going to have a disaster on your hands.

So what do we do? Because it’s my and my boo-thang’s responsibility to make this thing happen, and I don’t want to be sobbing in a white heap or popping so many xanax that I don’t feel anything on our wedding day.

Aside from searching for organizational tools, the best thing I can come up with is to feel ALL of it and not lie to myself by making trivial sacrifices for other people.

I’m going to cry.

I’m going to get frustrated.

I’m going to feel immense joy.

I’m going to feel so loved, and want to give so much love.

And I’m going to do my best not to apologize for any of it.

So if I Bridezilla a little bit… just cut me some slack, ok? I’m learning how to, as they all say, “DO WHAT I WANT…. Because I ONLY GET THIS DAY ONCE.”