FYI: The title of this post is meant to be sung… in the style of Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me”… it’s musical wordplay, if you will. It’s something we use at my weird and wonderful day job… To get the full effect, read the above title again, but sing it like Sam Smith.
There you go.
That’s my intent.
Sing it again! Isn’t it fun?
I just wanted to make sure that was clear… ok…thank you for indulging me in my nonsense… I’m going to write the blog now…
So…. I don’t like to ask for things. I hate making requests, I don’t ask people to come to shows, and ordering anything specific in a restaurant gives me anxiety. I don’t like to be a bother and I have a very hard time showing anyone displeasure.
I’m a worker bee as well as a people-pleaser which is basically the worst combination ever if you ever want to get sleep.
I don’t like to bother people. I like to handle things myself. I like to pretend to be Wonder Woman.
Furthermore, I have taught my Sad Dragon to think lowly enough of itself that I don’t like to bother people with my time. I don’t invite people to activities. I may have an idea to go to something fun somewhere, but I am terrified of two things, usually:
- They might say no.
- I might not be in a perfectly delightful mood, cause problems for others on this outing, and give my guests reasons to never want to hang out with me again.
(My Sad Dragon thinks it can predict the future, and it always ends in loneliness, chaos, and crying. Poor thing. It’s so dumb sometimes.)
In addition, years of emotionally abusive relationships with men confirmed the belief that my Sad Dragon was correct– no one wanted to hang out with me, and besides, I didn’t deserve to hang out or go play. (Yeah, I’m going to take a moment to give the middle finger to those assholes. Ya’ll were douche bags. I hope you find yourself on a path of tiny pebbles in bare feet)
Anyway… lately I’ve been trying to practice something that feels outrageously foreign.. I’m asking for people to come out and play, without warning.
About a month ago I asked my friends if they would like to join me for a drink after a long week. It was terrifying. I experienced a solid four seconds in which I was certain I was going to be denied. But they said yes, and then when we got to the venue, I again found myself in a panic that they wouldn’t want to attend this particular bar. Literally, panic.
But we went.
We had a great time.
And I didn’t die.
In fact, I felt oddly empowered.
Then, the other night I invited the online community to come out to play in a silly debate over Starbursts. Again, this worried me. What if only two or three people commented on the status, and I looked like an idiot? FOR THE WHOLE INTERNET TO SEE?
67 comments later…
People came out to play.
People actually wanted to play. WITH ME!?
My Sad Dragon is happy crying.
I know it seems ridiculous, or maybe a little dumb… but it feels really good to be the instigator. It feels good to not always be the guy sitting and waiting for someone to call. Sometimes it’s good to pick up the phone. Heck, I would be so bold as to say strong arming people into fun activities might not be so bad. Because… even if they hate me for it in the short term… they might love me for it in the end.
Wait a second… I actually cringed at myself at typing the sentence “They might love me for it.” … See? It’s still hard! It’s so easy to say that about someone else, but to say out loud (or on paper, or computer) “They might love me” feels vulnerable and almost self-serving. Calm down, Sad Dragon. You actually CAN receive love if you give it first.
This was a hard one for me.
But… I like to play. We need a lot more of it. We spend so much time arguing and working and being tired. So, don’t wait for someone to throw you the ball. Go find a ball and throw it. Someone will catch it eventually.
So… come play… I mean…
Ohhh wont you PLLAAYYYYY WITH Me? Cuz you’re ALLLL I NEED!